I think I scared the office a little with my outburst today. I didn't see it coming, you understand, but I also hadn't realised how much anger I actually have towards you. Without going too much into it, I've always reserved a special level of disgust for men who womanise, cheat and take advantage of women. Especially men who believe, whether deservingly or undeservingly, that they have the ability to do so and grab their thus-perceived superpower with both hands (and that other appendage). 

I know you're not the only ass to walk the face of the earth, but it's different for me this time. You see, I wouldn't like you very much anyway if you were doing this to other women, but when you do this to a friend I care about very much, it becomes personal. I know all those excuses about how it takes two hands to clap, and I don't attempt even for a second to absolve the other party from some of the blame, but unfortunately, I'm biased. This is my friend we're talking about, and you're the jerk who's ruining her self-esteem and some of the most exciting times of her life.

Nevertheless, I'm done getting angry on her behalf - or at least, I will try to be done. I rarely dislike someone so thoroughly and violently, but worse than a man who cheats and takes advantage of women is a man who does it without guilt while (and perhaps partly because) others keep defending him for whatever reason. 

I wish I could expose you for what you have done, but it is not my story to tell. Maybe someday she will be strong enough to tell you what you need to hear to your face; I certainly hope so. Until then, I should take up kick-boxing and hope this gets everything out of my system.

Heading to the polls. That's my mum and dad walking up front.

The streets were all dressed up for the occasion.

The opposition, who went on to win on our watch.

Where all the action took place... for this constituency, anyway.

Look at all the people queueing under the sun! Polling was split into streams according to age groups, and the queues for the oldest demographics were also the longest! It gave me hope - that they who have seen so much more than I (and who should be so much more cynical but are not), still believe in their right to vote and the power it can wield for change.

And change happened.

Opposition takes five.

They're calling it a tsunami!

These are just two random articles. Do click around for more.

I am voluntarily getting up at 8am on a Saturday morning... so I can cast my vote before the crowd gets in. Typing it out hasn't made it any more believable, especially when I know the polls are open till 5pm. But I will be getting up, and I will be going to the polls, and I will be casting my vote for the very first time.

Why? Because:

1. I try almost everything at least once, and I want to know what it's like to vote in a general election.

2. I want to know I contributed, did my part, fulfilled my right and carried out my duty as a citizen. Even though some people say my one vote won't make a difference; I want to know I tried.

3. Because I yak too much about Barack Obama, government screw-ups and politics in general to pass up on my one chance to walk the talk.

I have been greatly encouraged by the boys, whose efforts and involvement make my feeble attempt to give an hour (or less) of my time drawing X's on a piece of paper look like a mini chocolate eclair next to the biggest chocolate fountain in the world. While I do not undermine the importance of my vote, it is they who have been attending the ceramahs, who are unrestrainedly giving of their passion, time and energy, who continue to hold on to the belief that we can indeed make a difference, that deserve the credit.

I am determined to do my part, yet the cynic in me wonders if light will penetrate the dark side. Or if there is even light to be found at all. I'm sure there must be. Surely. Are we so far gone down the stormwater drain that nothing will bring us back? Are we doomed to be like this forever and ever? How can these people hold on so unswervingly to hope election after election after election? And you would think all that listening to Obama (hope, change, yes we can...) would have rubbed off on me somewhat.

My mother-in-law commented that she never expected my generation to become as politically-aware and active as we have been seeing and hearing. Not my generation, she said, maybe in a couple more. But the time has come sooner than she thought it would. Listening to the boys after yet another ceramah or training session for polling agents is inspiring stuff as they talk about the turnout of volunteers, about the young people who are coming forward, about their determination to do what they can. Is it enough? Is the alternative to evil really good, or simply evil in another face and form? Will we succeed in picking the lesser of two evils?

I don't remember the last general election - I was in Australia - and I don't remember the last time I was in Malaysia when there was a general election. But this one feels different. Maybe because I am now more aware, maybe because all that Obama talk is fueling the excitement in my own backyard, or maybe, definitely(?), because I am getting old enough to care. That makes sign #8.

going to Phuket, Thailand!

I'm really excited because:

a) I've never been to Phuket.

b) I love beaches.

c) I am always happy to travel.

Lucky for Y, I believe in spending money on flights, food, accomodation and seeing-the-world experiences, as opposed to on clothes, shoes, bags and make-up. Not that I don't shop, but let's just say I'm very, very controlled in that area.

Now to wrap up my work, pack our bags and catch that plane!

I've been reading back some of my earliest entries on this blog, entries that date way back to April 2004, which sounds like a very long time ago but isn't, not really. After all, I have friends who I've known for 10, even 15 years. By April 2004, I'd already known most of the people I know today, safe mostly for friends I've met through work. A lot of them I didn't know as well as I do today - obviously - but it's interesting to realise the gradual tapering out of new friendships made as we, ahem, age, compared to the hike I experienced during my earlier years in Melbourne.

Surprisingly, those entries don't make me cringe. I sound... young, but in a very hopeful, youthful way. It was the voice of one who was continuing to develop her skills and her style as a writer, even as her perspective of the world was being sharpened and honed and constantly changed. It's been quite an interesting sidetrack down literary memory lane.

This sudden sentimentalism was further boosted by a gathering of primary school friends yesterday at The Curve. It was a small one, about eight of us, but it was great. Some of them I haven't seen since I left primary school at 12, others I've seen here and there but never really got round to having a conversation with. Yesterday, we did, and it was pretty cool. I always did have a soft spot for my Chinese-school roots.

I stole these off Chang Chang's (above, second from right) Facebook page. And speaking of Facebook, it's been heaps fun tracking down people there too. I just found an old friend from high school; it's been years and years since we spoke, and I can't wait to catch up with him.

What is it that makes me want to seek out people from the past as I get older? That makes me finally start to appreciate and enjoy time with family and relatives? That gives me a warm fuzzy feeling as we gather after umpteen years and sit around a table to make conversation? We weren't exactly best pals back in primary school or high school, and sure, the conversation probably did feel a little forced at times, (one too many pauses, the occasional awkward sips from our drinks), but speaking for myself, I had a good time. I hope they did, too.

It's been a very baby-filled fortnight. While grandma has made no secret of the fact that I should have gotten pregnant right from the second I said 'I do', my mother (M) and mother-in-law (MIL) did at least maintain a respectful, if anticipatory, silence the first couple years.

Of late, however, their careful hints and hopeful references to 'my grandchildren' have gradually escalated from 'so your mother-in-law has been asking me when you're going to have kids' (good try, mum, blame it on the other mother), to 'you guys still don't want to have kids ar?!!!' Very unsubtle, I know.

Grandma, on her part, is most pleased that finally, people are starting to see her point about providing her with (more) great-grandchildren. After all, has she not advocated reproduction 'as soon as you can'?

The father (F) and father-in-law (FIL) have wisely kept mum (pun intended) on the subject. While I hear my FIL has casually expressed his intentions - out of my hearing - to educate his grandchildren, I don't think F really wants grandchildren yet. Although perhaps his reaching the big six-oh this year might push him in that direction. It's different for him though, he doesn't feel the pressure. None of my cousins on his side of the family are even married. It could be another five years or more before they get to attend the nuptials of another nephew/niece.

Having said that, I should add that the abovementioned grandma, the M of my M, is exempt from all whinging and irritation expressed here because she's my absolute favourite elderly person in the world, I love her to bits, and she can do no wrong - the vast majority of the time. I should also add that all this baby-talk has not been helped by real baby-talk, thanks to the CNY reunions which has seen the maternal cousins gather... with their cute little tots.

Sure, they're really cute, and I'll even admit to (finally!) wanting one of my own... in the future. But the operative word here is 'in the future', obviously, because babies aren't just something you can go to 1Utama and select from the 'new season' collections. Secretly, it's a relief to discover some maternal yearning. M isn't exactly the hands-on mum type, and I did wonder if I might have inherited the totally undomesticated gene. For sure, I'm a doofus in the kitchen, though I can't say I inherited her ambitious career gene either. Gawd.

The thing is, I wonder whether the folks want us to have kids because they want grandchildren, or they want to be able to tell their friends and relatives that they have grandchildren. There's a very big difference. Especially when sentences almost always start with, 'So-and-so already has...' and 'So-and-so keeps asking me...'

In this aspect, at least I know my grandma is 100% sincere. Because it's not like she has anyone to call up and announce the good news to. I think all these so-and-sos, well-meaning, gossipy or just plain nosy, should not get to pressure the folks and indirectly bug me.

Secondly, the constant nagging really takes the fun out of planning for a family. I'm sure hubby would be a little more open to discussing the subject if everyone was just a little more subtle and open to hearing 'whys' and 'nos'. I almost don't want to get pregnant just because I don't want the credit to go to parental pressure. I want our planning to be ours, and I want the decision to be ours, and it's a little hard for that now when everyone keeps preaching insemination. It's probably one of the most annoying side effects.

Thirdly, and I confess this is really personal and judgmental, I hate it when M says 'don't worry, you have so many people waiting to take care of your baby for you', and uses that as a reason to have kids. When MIL says that, it's an offer of help because she really is waiting to play grandmother. But when M says that, it annoys me. I know I'm being horribly biased, and we're always harsher towards our own parents, but what is the point of having kids if you don't intend to take care of them? It's almost like, in an exaggerated sense, deliberately having kids for the sake of appeasing the masses, and then packing the child off because your part is done. I'm a latch-key kid, can you tell?

Nevertheless, these are just thoughts and rantings, a culmination of almost non-stop baby-talk and an increasing awareness of my maternal instincts and advancing years. I don't think I'm in any way old, but I guess I always wanted to be a hot young mama.

I'm also pregnant.

Just kidding.

No, really, I'm not. But (no?) thanks to one and all, Y and I have been talking about it. We probably should too, before our parents adopt grandchildren.